You never get used to not speaking your child. Even if you have set yourself on that path, it feels unnatural to hold yourself back from someone you love so fundamentally deep that you cannot even see the bottom of the well of love you feel for them.

Why would you choose not to speak to someone you love so much? In my case, it seems very simple, I don’t want to hurt or be hurt by that person anymore. Their expressions of love are belayed by their actions. Have someone tell you they love you with contempt shining in their eyes? How does that compute?

I left here the other night in a rage, destroyed things in my room, feeling such anger, hurt, frustration! I wanted nothing more than to escape the hurt I felt. I drove away in anger and sat in a parking lot, thinking I’m done, I want this over (life, hurt, who know’s what I wanted over) I was so disillusioned.

Family calling, asking me to call back, texting and all I wanted was to be alone. Most of the calls set in action by my daughter, who had set the rage in motion. Why did she do that? Why act as if you care when you set all this in to action?

One call, from my son, I returned. I don’t know why, maybe because I wasn’t angry at him, didn’t want him worried. The voice on the other end wasn’t his though. It was this tiny little voice telling me, “I love you grandma S.”

That tiny little voice of reason, calling me back from the edge. Letting me know, somewhere, someone did love me. My son knew exactly what he was doing.